


Bible of the Golden Witch

by Ana_R



Category: Christian Bible, Christian Bible (New Testament), Umineko no Naku Koro ni | When the Seagulls Cry
Genre: Fantasy, Gen, Magic, Mystery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-12 22:46:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18019895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ana_R/pseuds/Ana_R
Summary: Good evening. The Golden Witch offers you a breather episode. This gameboard shall be set thousands of years before the Rokkenjima Massacre Incident, in a time where resistance to magic was at an all-time low. The difficulty is impossihard, good luck Battleeeeeer!





	1. Birth

**Author's Note:**

> Due to the lack of font colors on AO3, bold text represents the red truth, while italics represent the blue truth.

It was another peaceful day in the Meta World. Ushiromiya Battler, having recovered from his third game against Beatrice, was enjoying some black tea with Ronove and Virgilia. Their fun came to a swift end, however, with the arrival of the Golden Witch and the announcement of her new gameboard.

“For fuck’s sake Beato, I’m too tired to be watching you kill my family in gruesome ways, go away,” Battler snarled.

“We won’t be going to Rokkenjima this time, Battler,” Beatrice grinned, to Battler’s discomfort. “I have been reading up on human history and happened to find a most perplexing case of real-life magic from many a year ago! I’m going to take you there, and it’ll be fun!”

“Real magic…?” Battler stared at her, unsure of what she was planning. Was she suddenly admitting by implication that the magic she had shown him on Rokkenjima until now wasn’t real?

Before he could finish that thought, golden butterflies flooded the room, and Battler’s vision soon turned white as the clock reversed at high speed, taking him and Beatrice to the past – to thousands of years past!

* * *

 

_December 24, 4:50 PM_

Battler woke up in the desert.

“Ew, sand!” he exclaimed, spitting sand out of his mouth. “Damn witch, dropping me in the middle of the desert like this.”

He got up and saw a woman in front of him.

“Hi, I’m Mary.”

Battler’s mind raced for words, but in the end, all he could say was another unusual sexual joke.

Mary immediately backed off, grimacing.

“I am a virgin, I do not like sex. Goodbye!” Mary turned around and walked away, clearly creeped out by Battler’s advances.

“What happened?” said Battler.

“She is furniture,” said Beatrice from the meta world. “She is simply unable to experience sex the way you do, Battler.”

“So she’s really a virgin, huh?”

“Yes. **Mary is a virgin.** ”

“…I didn’t ask for the red. But thanks.”

“Also, a word of advice, Battler; I would suggest starting off with “Hello” next time,” chuckled Ronove.

Battler turned around, planning to head somewhere else, but halted in his tracks when he saw a golden butterfly in that direction. Battler knew that meant Beatrice was that way, and he had had enough of her for one lifetime. Yawning, he turned back around and walked in the direction opposite the butterfly – which coincided with the direction Mary had just left him.

After a tiresome hike through the sands of the desert, Battler came across a humble wooden building. It was covered in posters for various theatre productions, but the sign at the top made it clear that it was an inn. Battler looked across and saw Mary walking with his back turned to him! Battler knew Mary rejected him earlier, but the prospect of getting a second chance was enough to make him grin!

Mary walked around to the side of the inn, so Battler decided to sneak up on her slowly…

* * *

Mary stood alone beside the inn. Looking around, there was no sign of the innkeeper, or that strange, immature boy, or anyone of any descript. She cleared her throat and addressed the hot, dry air before her with one simple phrase.

“How’s the baby?” she asked. To the ignorant masses, it would appear she were talking to none but herself, if not a pretend friend one might make in kindergarten. But then, as if in response to her query, the air in front of her condensed, forming a faint cloud. The cloud solidified and began to take the shape of a bird. Then, a human! The human, a relatively young man about Mary’s age, hovered in the air above Mary, gently flapping his beautiful white wings before slowly descending onto the red hot sands below him.

“The baby is now at 99% completion. Preparations to extract the baby from the womb have been long completed, my mistress.”

“That is good to hear,” smiled Mary. “Do operate swiftly and with care, won’t you?”

“Of course, my mistress,” said the angel. “Our latest equipment defies the limitations of modern day human technology, as you would expect. I can assure you that—"

“Hey, what’s going on here?” said Battler, rounding the corner.

“Hi,” said the angel.

Battler stared in shock at the man. For the woman he had been following to already be meeting another man in such conditions was enough of a downer to him, but any concerns he would have had were shoved into the back of his head and replaced with confusion when he saw the physical build of this man. He looked like a regular human being, but one key detail stood out.

“You have wings!” screamed Battler.

“Yes.”

“But humans can’t fly!”

The man chuckled. “Why do you say that? I am what you might call an “Angel,” after all.”

“No, stop it!” shouted Battler. His roar shook the walls of the inn, not that he took notice. “Angels are creatures of myth! I can’t accept your existence!”

“Whatever you say,” said the angel. The angel then turned around and walked away, like any normal person. Battler turned to where he thought Mary was standing, but it seemed she backed away too.

_What were those two talking about, anyway? Something about a baby?_

* * *

 

Meanwhile, Beatrice was cackling away like a madwoman as usual from over the gameboard.

“I see you’ve met my new minion, what did you think of him?”

“Ah, stupid, this is just another one of your tricks!” shouted Battler.

“But you saw him yourself! Let me remind you that your perspective shows nothing but the objective truth,” said Beatrice. It was true; Battler’s point of view was as trustworthy as the red truth in these games.

“Like I said, angels don’t exist, so that guy was clearly just a regular man. The white wings are pretty weird, but maybe he just pulled them off a big white bird. As for that part where he was hovering over the sand, we didn’t get to see him flying around as free as a bird. He was probably just suspended by some string.”

“Sure, sure, whatever you say,” said Beatrice.

“Shut up! If I’m wrong, deny it in red. Go on. Do it! I bet you can’t!”

Beatrice closed her eyes, pondering this request. She, as the Game Master, had the ability to confirm or deny Battler’s theories by stating the truth in red. This could prove advantageous to either side depending on how much care it is used with. Eventually, she opened her eyes.

“ **The man you met beside the inn did not lie to you.** Satisfied?”

“Of course not! That doesn’t tell me anything!” shouted Battler. “Repeat it! “The man I met beside the inn was an angel!””

“How redundant. Have you already forgotten what the man even said to you? Come now, he said four simple sentences.”

Battler thought back on the angel’s words.

“Hi.” A standard greeting.

“Yes.” His response when Battler pointed out the somewhat obvious fact that he had wings.

“Why do you say that? I am what you might call an “Angel,” after all.” This was his most substantial statement, and certainly the most devastating. For this to be the truth would be for that man to be a real-life angel…

“Maybe we’re taking this all too literally,” Battler suggested. “That guy was dressed up as an angel, after all. Maybe when he said that, he meant it the same way a kid says “I’m a monster” when they dress up for Halloween.”

“What a desperate move! **The man was not referring to his costume when he said he’s an Angel. To put it another way, the man is always an Angel, whether he is dressed like that or not!** ”

“D-Damn…”

_She’s got me there. Damn, this is not good. Two red truths in and she’s already got me backed into a corner. We haven’t even gotten to any murders yet, for fuck’s sake. Ah, fuck this. This is no fucking good!_

“You have such a terrible poker face, you know! Are you ready to yield already?” Beatrice grinned, thoroughly enjoying my frustration.

“Never! We’re still only in the opening phase!”

“Hoh. You naïve man. You have no idea what lies ahead, do you? Very well, if you insist, we may shelve this matter for now.”

_Thank goodness, I don’t think I could handle any more of this topic. Agh, how pathetic am I?!_

* * *

Battler prodded the ground. He’d spent the last few minutes trying to determine the legitimacy of that “angel” by analysing the ground for footprints. It had proven to be a difficult task considering just how many sets of footprints he could find. His reasoning was that, if the man truly was an angel, he would have flown away, leaving no footprints behind. Clearly, though, looking at the state of the ground in front of him, he would have to abandon this line of thinking.

_What’s gotten into me? Of course he’s not an angel!_

Battler decided he’d stood around in the sand pondering that strange man long enough. He knew there was a trick behind the guy, but he’d never figure it out with the sun beating down on him like this. He headed back around to the front of the inn and was about to head inside, only to immediately remember that staying at inns cost money, and he had none of that.

Battler sighed. He wasn’t used to living in poverty. It seemed he finally had a reason to add “keeping me rich and spoiled” to the ever-growing list of reasons to hate that old bastard.

 _What would someone without money do in this situation?_ Battler thought. He didn’t have to think long, fortunately. It was clear he needed to get out from under the sun, and this inn was the only building in a million mile radius. He turned toward a stable next to the inn. Even if just for one night, he could hide there with the horses. No one would know. What are the chances of the owner heading in there at any point tonight?

Battler walked to the stable and tried to open the door. To his surprise, it wasn’t locked!

“I’ve gotten too used to rooms being locked. Ihihihihihi!”

Battler swung the stable door open and jumped into some hay in the corner. It was the perfect hiding spot, and it would keep him warm when night fell! He decided he’d snuggle up under this hay, hit the road first thing in the morning and maybe figure out what the heck was up with that angel guy.

* * *

 

_December 24, 11:35 PM_

Battler awoke to the sound of the stable door slamming shut.

“Now, then, are we all ready.”

Battler stirred. He took a peek out of the hay that he had comfortably buried himself under and, though it was dark, could barely make out two figures and… something. He couldn’t quite make it out, but it was rectangular in shape. That was the most he could make out in the dark. He slowly shifted closer, and as he did, so did the hay stack. He was quite slow, however. By the time he got a good look at the people, he was sure it had past midnight.

Suddenly, he heard something. A voice. A baby’s voice, in fact.

His eyes peered out through the hay again and this time, through his limited vision, he could clearly make out a man and a woman. More to Battler's interest, however, there was someone else there, a smaller person in the woman's hands…

"What shall you name him, Mary?" asked the man.

“I’ll name him Jesus,” said Mary.

Held in Mary’s embrace was a baby, clearly a newborn. She laid the baby in a crib, but he did not open his eyes. It would have been a beautiful sight to behold were it not for Battler, still hiding in the haystack, whose eyes held the potential to burst of from their sockets.

“Beato!” he shouted in a voice that could not be heard by those of this world, but of the heavens above.

“Yeeeees?” Beatrice smiled her usual annoying, mischievous smile.

“I thought you said Mary was a virgin! You said it in red! How did she give birth to a baby a day later?!”

“Magic! What else?!”

Upon hearing those words, Battler relaxed.

“Oh, I see. It’s another one of your tricks.”

“Go on.”

“All this means is that Mary there isn’t the mother. We see the baby in her hands, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the baby is hers.”

“Then where did this baby come from?”

“There’s a guy next to her. That bearded man. He must be the father.”

“Let me stop you right there,” said Beatrice. “ **Joseph is not Jesus’ father.** ”

“Jesus? Oh, you mean the baby, right. Well, you’re not gonna stop me there. Confirm that bearded guy is Joseph or I’m not budging.”

“Very well. **Joseph is the bearded man you’re referring to. And that bearded man is, indeed, not Jesus’ father.** ”

“Tch. Not bad,” said Battler. “But of course, I wasn’t finished.”

“Oh, do go on,” grinned Beatrice, eager to hear how off the mark his next suggestion would be.

“As of right now, we only know of four people existing in this stable. Me, Mary, Joseph and Jesus. But what if there’s more? Can you confirm that there are only four people in this stable?”

Beatrice had to pause for a moment before speaking.

“Refused.”

“Bingo!” A wide grin sprung on Battler’s face. “In that case, I claim that there’s another woman in this stable. That woman is the one who gave birth to Jesus, and his real mother!”

“Oh,” Beatrice perked up. “That much I can deny with ease. **Mary is the only woman in the stable right now.** ”

“H—”

“And before you say anything more, I shall add to the red. **Jesus was born no more than a minute ago.** ”

“Damn witch!” Beatrice had successfully predicted Battler’s next move. “Ah, it’s useless! It’s all useless!”

“What now? Any more bright ideas, Battleeeer?”

“Damn right I do! Maybe there’s no other woman in the stable, but maybe she’s outside the stable. Like, maybe she’s outside. Or in the inn. She gave birth to Jesus somewhere out there and Joseph or someone brought the baby inside. And, uh, this all happened within a minute, because why not?”

“Ahahahahahaaaa!!” Beatrice laughed at Battler’s predictability. “I saw that one coming a mile away, you know! But that won’t do you any good!”

“Say it in red, then. “There is no woman in or near the inn aside from Mary!””

“Actually, no. I shall not.”

Battler stiffened. He had detailed plans to jump up and celebrate if she was unable to repeat that, but her confidence made him uneasy. “What do you have up your sleeve now?”

“Let’s return to the game for just a moment and you’ll see for yourself!”

Battler kept eying the baby closely. He was just about to get up when suddenly, the door swung open!

“We wise men three have ARRIVED!” announced a wealthy, but somewhat crazy-looking old man.

“And so are we,” said a much poorer looking old man. “Hi.”

Behind the two men were four more people. Two of them were old men who appeared to be similar to the former old man in both their status and their crazy appearances. The two people next to them were more akin to the latter old man. They, like their companion, carried one little lamb each. They seemed to be shepherds.

Battler was curious why three shepherds would be travelling with who appeared to be a trio of kings, but he quickly set that aside. One of those shepherds was a woman!

“Jesus, you are our king!” one of the kings – the “wise men” as they referred to themselves – said to the baby. The three wise men lined up in front of the baby and each gave him one present. Jewels. Certainly not something even Battler ever got for any of his birthdays - and he was a descendant of the great Ushiromiya Kinzo, a man whose name is known throughout the galaxy!

“Wh-what’s going on?!” Battler muttered.

“Sorry, but…” said Mary. “Who are you?”

“Why, we are wise men three! Clever we are, the stars of the sky told us of a boy named Jesus! Follow a star we did, and here we are!”

“Wh-what?!” Battler muttered.

Are these crazy guys seriously trying to say they came all this way because of some constellation?

“Um, yeah, anyway…” said one of the shepherds. “We’ve brought some sheep for Jesus. Hope he likes them.”

The shepherds laid their lambs down on the hay, coming distressingly close to spotting Battler hiding right next to them.

“Weeeell? How about that?” said Beatrice. “That woman there is the one sole woman who existed just outside the inn. **There are no other women to be found within a mile of this stable!** ”

“Then maybe she’s the mother! You can’t rule her out as a suspect!” said Battler.

“Can’t you read in between the lines, you fool? That lady just walked in here with five other men. We also just established that the baby was born less than a minute ago! **That little shepherd lady has an alibi for the time of birth! In other words, no one other than Mary, there in the stable, could have given birth to Jesus!** That red’s a free one. I would appreciate if you didn’t make those wise men out to be accomplices, after all.”

“Wise men my ass!” said Battler. “What kind of wise guy goes following stars to places?”

“Do you doubt their word? It would be rather pointless to tell such a blatant lie, don’t you think?”

“Oh, so I’m supposed to believe a star of all things was what led these guys here?” said Battler.

“Of course! Why, Battler, they just fed the truth to you free of charge! Why don’t you accept their generous offer?”

“Because it’s insane, that’s why! There’s no way something like that could’ve happened! They’re probably just the kid’s grandparents or something, playing around with the damn kid!”

“Didn’t you notice that Mary had no idea who they were?”

“I-It’s part of the act!”

“Stubborn man! I hate to throw reds out on rapid fire like this, but you leave me no choice. **These gentlemen have no blood relation to the baby, Jesus.** ”

Battler kept glaring at the witch.

“Fine. Since you’re so set on denying it, **the three kings here were told about Jesus by a star, like they said. It is also true that they came to this stable by following a star.** ”

“Who are these old guys calling “wise”? Damn!”

“Give it up, Battler!” grinned Beatrice. “I didn’t even consider this part to be a work of magic, but your look of defeat makes me consider this yet another win for me!”

“Daaaamn youuuuuu!” shouted Battler.

_There’s no way I can accept a star of all things “told” them to come here. Least of all that they told him the baby’s name. The odds of that are… astronomical!_

“W-Wait, that’s it! Maybe we’re misinterpreting the meaning of “star” here!”

“…Hoh?”

“Yeah! I keep thinking of this as a star in the astronomical sense, but what if that’s not the case? What if, say, the star refers to an actor? Yeah, that’s it! Instead of some celestial body, the star was actually some famous guy. For example, maybe the star is the innkeeper! He does have all those posters hanging up on the wall. Therefore, the star the old men are talking about was a human, just like me and… well, just me, really.”

“…What?! What is this naïve argument? **The star that led them to Jesus was a star in the sky.  A celestial body. An object in outer space! That is what they followed, not a human with a fancy label!** ”

“Then what’s left?!” shouted Battler.

“Nothing! Give in! Accept that I used magic to control the galaxy to point these wise men towards the baby, Jesus Christ!”

“…Nghhhhaaaaaaaaaaah!”

Battler screamed. His soul also screamed. Every fibre in his body was ready to resign. There was no way he could keep fighting against this. No way!

Beatrice laughed. She laughed and laughed.

“You’re perfect for staving away my boredom, don’t you know? I’m sure you’re just dying to give up where you stand…” She took a sip of her tea, then threw the cup away, smashing it against the wall as a result. “Well, too bad! The show has yet to begin!”

“The show with the star…?”

“Yes! And that star is Jesus himself! Come, Battler! Let us observe the magical life of Jesus Christ!”

Beatrice stood up, placed her hands on a large clock that appeared out of nowhere, and began spinning the hands, speeding up time exponentially. Battler held on tight to the table as the tea room sped through the vortex of time. He knew. It was clear what Beatrice was up to. What Battler had futilely struggled on for the last hour was just the beginning. The easy part. The true challenge had yet to come…!


	2. Resurrection

_April, 0033_

When Battler opened his eyes, he was still in the desert. Indeed, the sun’s rays were still beating down on him as he forced himself to rise from the sand. He looked around. The inn was gone. So was the stable. Actually, he appeared to be somewhere completely different. No one was around, but he knew Beatrice was there with him, somewhere, unseen.

“Where are we this time?” he muttered.

He saw footprints in the sand – footprints that stopped where he was standing. He concluded that he must have walked this way in the world of the gameboard and did not possess memories of doing such, so he decided it best to retrace his footsteps. For a while, there wasn’t a sign of anything, until he soon came across another traveller. The man had a beard – Battler recognized him immediately.

“What’s going on with that guy?” Battler wondered.

“Don’t you even know the story of Lent,” Beatrice sighed. “The story of when Jesus walked into the desert and stayed there for over a month?”

“Wait, that guy’s Jesus?!” Battler stared at the guy. “Wasn’t he a baby just a minute ago?!”

“No. He was a baby thirty-three years ago.”

“Oh, huh. So, you’ve taken me to his adulthood years? Wouldn’t it make sense to show me earlier stages of his life too?”

“That’s boring! It’s far more entertaining to dump you into his adult years. And you will soon see why.”

Battler knew he wasn’t going to enjoy what the witch had in store for him, but he decided to play along, if only out of curiosity. He approached the bearded man she named Jesus and asked him just what he was doing out here.

“My boy,” said Jesus. “I am walking in the desert for forty days with no food and water to make up for the sins of my people. Why do you ask?”

“F-Forty days?!” shouted Battler.

“Yes,” said Jesus.

“But that’s… impossible! How could you be alive without taking any food or water for so long?!”

“How I have survived as long as I have is knowledge possessed not by me or anyone else of this world.”

“ **He’s telling you the truth,** ” said Beatrice from the shadows of the Meta World.

“All of it?!”

“ **The whole truth. Nothing but the truth!** ”

“Well, fine! Maybe it’s possible! Maybe he just has had tonnes of fat built up in his stomach which provided for him for the entire forty days! Therefore, you can’t claim that a human can’t go forty days without food or water. It’s a Devil’s Proof!”

Beatrice shook her head and closed her eyes. “I have no quarrel with you over this. The fun has yet to begin.”

* * *

 

Battler decided to walk with Jesus.

“So, what’re you walking through the desert like this for anyway? Is it punishment or something?”

“No, no, I’m the son of God. I don’t do bad things,” Jesus laughed. “It’s just that, well, you see, the people of my kingdom are real shitheads, you know what I’m saying? They keep swearing and having premarital sex and beating each other up… sickening, really.”

“I dunno man, I can get behind some of that,” said Battler.

“Hm. Well. I respect your opinion. But that does not mean we mustn’t atone for our sins. So, because of that, I have chosen to walk in the desert with no form of nourishment for forty days and forty nights.”

“Damn, man, your village must have some bad fuckin’ people, huh.”

“Hoh hoh hoh. You have no idea.”

* * *

 

Battler back, in the Meta World, brought a cup of tea to his mouth, hesitating. Would drinking while on pilgrimage with Jesus ruin his pilgrimage?

_Wait, what am I taking this seriously for?!_

“I can’t listen to this guy!”

“Whyever not? Are you unwilling to accept testimony from the pieces themselves?” said Beatrice.

“I can’t trust anyone after our last few games!” shouted Battler. “You made all those locked room murders purely through everyone lying, I claim the same here!”

“So you want another confirmation that he is telling you the truth, is that it?”

“Yes! Confirm it now!”

“Very well, regarding what that man has told you, **he has not lied. He is, as he says, the son of God and has chosen to walk through the desert for forty days with no food or water. He will not lie to you for the duration of the gameboard.** ”

Battler sweated. Maybe it’d be best to just stop talking to this Jesus guy before he says anything detrimental to the Human Side, now that his word has effectively been made equivalent to the red truth.

* * *

 

They walked without speaking to each other for a while. By now, Battler’s throat had run dry. How could Jesus have lasted so long out here if he could barely last an hour? It was Jesus who broke the silence.

“We shall be nearing my home shortly. If you are thirsty, my village offers water. Ice cold water that will be sure to refresh you in one sip.”

Battler nodded, and was pleased to see he meant “shortly” quite literally, for as soon as they reached the top of a slope they had been scaling, a little village came into view on the other side!

Jesus led Battler into the village, and the villagers delightedly came to witness his return. Leaves were laid out in front of them, which Battler assumed to be praise for the man.

“You’re pretty famous, huh?”

“That is correct. Come, Battler, let us head to my father’s house and thank him for his support of my journey.”

“Uh… sure.”

Battler and Jesus walked toward a castle in the middle of town. Battler wasn’t so sure how much support this dad of his could have offered, but he was a man who liked castles. Especially here in the desert, where it could be used to take shelter from this accursed sun.

They walked through the gates of the castle, and Jesus’ previously peaceful expression quickly contorted into that of fury. There in the halls of the castle were stores! Shops! Merchants!

Battler did not notice this change of expression, for he had immediately ran toward the stand selling water. He gulped down a vase of it while the storekeeper angrily prodded his shoulder, expecting to be paid.

“You… fools…” muttered Jesus. Although he hadn’t thought his words to echo too loudly, the bustling of the newfound market came to a stop as everyone turned towards him.

“Hey, it’s Jesus!” someone said.

“Beat it! This castle is ours now!”

“We thought you were dead.”

“Nah. That was just the king.”

Everyone burst into laughter. Battler looked around confused, but Jesus’ expression remained unchanged.

“Ignorant men… if you dare defy the lord like this…”

Jesus lunged forward toward one of the stalls, placed his hands under it, and picked it up! He turned around to face the crowds, the wooden stall held high over his head.

“…you shall all regret you were ever born!”

The stall flew into the crowd, blasting into splinters on those unlucky few who were in the line of fire. Everyone ran away, but Jesus pursued! He grabbed one of the merchants who had so thoughtlessly set up a shop in this holy temple and threw him at a group of young men trying to sneak past him.

He pounced on more victims. Battler was still looking around confused, but decided he’d seen enough to understand what was going on. He turned. He ran! Before he could escape, though, he tripped and fell on the floor. He quickly covered his head in his hands and shut his eyes, unable to watch what was unfolding in this temple!

As he did this, Jesus had been approached by more experienced fighters, but had beaten them down effortlessly. A punch to the gut, a kick to the face, they all went down clutching whatever hit them.

Jesus then turned his attention to those who still had not escaped, still trying to squeeze through the door frame.

“You cannot escape your fate, young sinners! Face the wrath of Christ!”

He threw his open hand forward, and a light beam shot out of it. His victims were impaled as the red light burned a hole through their backs. There was no escaping from Jesus’ powers!

Jesus cackled. This was proving to be a far more efficient way of dealing with those sinners than wandering in the desert for a month. Laser beams fired left and right, incinerating anyone it made contact with.

“STOP IT! STOP IT!” shouted Battler, trying to suppress his tears. “THIS GUY’S BEEN IN THE DESERT FOR FORTY DAYS! HOW IS HE THROWING THESE STALLS AROUND LIKE THEY’RE HIS DOLLS?! AND WHAT’S WITH THESE LIGHTS?! WHAT IS HAPPENIIIIING?!”

“Open your eyes, Battler! Open your eyes and you'll see the truth! Look, look! It's magic, it's a magical light show, come ooooon Battleeeer open your eeeyyyyeeees!” Beatrice smiled as she watched the massacre before her.

“This isn't happening! I haven't gotten a good look at who's doing this, maybe it's someone else!”

“ **It's Jesus! Jesus is the one throwing those stalls around!** ”

“Dammit, no, I can't watch this, this is not happening it is NOOOOOOT!”

“The longer you close your eyes and refuse to watch the longer this will go on you knooooow!”

“This is a lie! It's all lies! Beato, I've changed my mind, take me back to Rokkenjima!”

Battler burst into tears and cried. Maybe he could deny the lights, but Jesus' strength had been confirmed with the red! He'd even seen those stalls flying around himself! What was there to argue with?

The massacre came to a swift end when a guard hit Jesus on the head from behind.

“That's enough out of you,” said the guard. More guards came and apprehended Jesus and took him away.

“Damn,” said Battler, uncovering his eyes and standing up. “That was a mess.”

* * *

 

_April, 0033 – Days later_

A few days passed. Eventually, it had been announced that Jesus had been executed.

“He was sentenced to die on the cross. That is all,” said a guard when Battler enquired.

 _So we’ve finally reached our first death, huh?_ Battler thought.

“Not quite,” said Beatrice, as if reading his mind. “The shepherds and wise men are dead, but they were old, and thirty years have since passed. So…”

“Whatever, you know the drill by now,” said Battler. “Confirm Jesus’ death in red.”

“Very well. **Jesus is dead. His body has been placed in a tomb, blocked by a giant rock.** ”

Battler expected something to happen, for him to have to solve his death or something. But Beatrice said no more. Instead, she sent him back to the world of the gameboard with no further instructions. He shrugged, and figured he might as well find some accommodation and wait for something to happen.

* * *

 

_April, 0033 – Three days later_

Battler sat back in a slightly uncomfortable chair, surrounded by his twelve roommates. These new friends of his all knew Jesus quite well, so they were willing to take another friend of his in with them. It had been an uneventful few days, and Battler wondered just when the witch would strike next. Would she even? Perhaps something had happened in the outside world, but he hadn’t stepped outside since the death of Jesus had been announced.

“So—”

Battler wasn’t sure who spoke, but as soon as that word had been spoken, he had been cut off. The door had swung open! Battler stood up. This was the first guest they had had in three days, who could possibly have come to see them?

“Who are…” Battler quickly trailed off as soon as he saw who it was who arrived.

“Jesus?!” shouted his roommates.

“Hello, my apostles. And, ah, you,” Jesus smiled towards Battler, but Battler did not return the gesture.

“Who are you?!” shouted Battler.

“Isn’t it obvious, my child? I’m Jesus Christ.”

“No you’re not! You can’t be!”

“Why do you say that, my child?”

“For one thing, Jesus is dead! He died three days ago!”

“I was dead, that is true, but my time in heaven was limited, it seems, for here I am now!” Jesus laughed. The twelve apostles surrounded him, pleased to see him again, but Battler stood there, unable to believe his eyes.

“Beato!” he shouted.

“Behold, Battler,” Beatrice grinned, “the magic of resurrection!”

“Dumbass! This isn’t Jesus! It can’t be!”

“Ahahahaha! Whyever noooot?”

“Like I said, Jesus is died! You even confirmed his death in red! This guy’s just pretending to be Jesus!”

Battler ran out the door and ran to where he had been told the tomb was. When he got there, the first thing that caught his attention was the massive rock in front of the entrance. Next to it were two men. They were unconscious. He ran up to them and shook them awake.

“What happened?!”

“I-I don’t remember…” they both stammered.

Battler turned to the rock. He tried pushing it out of the way to get into the tomb, but it was too heavy. Deciding there was no way to get inside, he settled with just peering in. It was dark, but there was clearly no body inside. He gave up and returned to his lodging. Jesus was still speaking with his apostles, but he looked up and smiled at Battler.

“Have you investigated sufficiently?” asked one of the apostles.

“No! Damn you, there’s got to be a trick here!” Battler stammered, but as expected, he could come up with no explanation.

“Oh, Battler,” Beatrice shook her head. “Just what will it take for you to have even a little bit of faith?”

“Shut uuup! It’s obvious what’s going on here! A little while ago, an unknown Culprit X came to the tomb and knocked out the guards using Drug X. He then pushed the rock out of the way with either sheer strength or, if necessary, an unknown Contraption X. He then took Jesus’ body away, took off his clothes, and put them on himself. Therefore, this can be explained away with an Imposter X.”

“ **The man before you is Jesus Christ!** ”

“Wait, that’s it!” said Battler. “What we see here is Jesus’ body! He’s being held up with strings, like a puppet!”

“ **The man before you, Jesus Christ, is alive!** ” Beatrice responded. “ **There are also no string tricks involved in this story!** ”

“Then… maybe he’s a different Jesus! A different one to the Jesus who died!”

Golden butterflies flew at Battler’s face. From where, he did not see, but they kept coming and coming until he had been knocked onto the floor.

“Fool!” said Beatrice. “ **Jesus Christ, son of Mary, was dead! Jesus Christ is now alive again! Jesus Christ is, in fact, the man who just walked into that room to greet you and the apostles! He is very much alive and well!! He was brought back to life by the efforts of none other than his father, and he moved that stone out of the way with his own human hands!! In short, the Jesus who died three days ago and the Jesus who stands here now are one and the same!!!** ”

The sheer intensity of Beatrice’s red shattered all of Battler’s ideas. The beauty and elegance of this red pierced his soul, and all who were there to witness it.

Ronove applauded. Virgilia laughed lightly.

“It’s valid,” said Virgilia.

"A splendid checkmate, Lady Beatrice,” said Ronove.

Tears flowed down Battler’s eyes. They did not spray across the room as they did earlier, but simply fell to the floor below as he hung his head in defeat.

Jesus continued to spread his teachings of love and kindness among the apostles, except for Doubting Battler, who still stubbornly tried to explain this phenomenon through irrational stammering and incoherence about mysteries while milky tears dripped down his face.

He resigned. He gave up. He swung his head upward, threw his finger upward, and screamed.

“BEAAAAAATRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!!!”

**Author's Note:**

> Stable background by Blaisedrew62: https://www.deviantart.com/blaisedrew62/art/Dark-Stable-Stock-205894870  
> Desert background by leeorr-stock: https://www.deviantart.com/leeorr-stock/art/Volcano-Desert-Stock-504942672  
> Town background by CAStock: https://www.deviantart.com/castock/art/Wild-West-209975862


End file.
